There was even a True life segment on friends with benefits on Mtv that I saw and could relate too. This one girl and guy had a sexual relationship and she got attatched. She became jealous when he would flirt with other women, understandable. Also when he started considering dating another women oh I know how that feels to the TEE. You get all kinds of questions floating in your head like "why not me?" "am I not good enough? Attractive enough?" etc. She was a mess and I became emotional watching that because it hit so close to home. Its hard watching the person you have feelings for and had a sexual relationship with have another women who they invest their feelings on instead of you. It hurts. It doesn't help your self esteem either.
In my case he had certain rules he lived by. He broke two that I know of for me, the no virginity rule (I lost it to him which much to my dismay made it worse) and the other was he never brought anyone to his house that he had that sexual relationship with, if it wasn't someone he was dating. He told me that early on. So, when he brought me home and we started hanging out it was a big thing lol. Another rule was the no dating rule which for him was actually the biggest rule he had, especially for his lifestyle (well how it used to be). So for him to break it over someone he like JUST met was a low blow. Besides that were things we would do in between which didn't help such as certain bets we would have that didn't go so well for me was no help. I won't get into it. But I had told him numerous times that to have his heart and that aspect was more important to me than anything and to have him choose someone else was devistating. He doesn't give his heart too freely either.
The thing about me is, I'm not high maintenance..at all. I don't ask for anything and I don't nag and bitch. I play videogames and I have a very big sense of humor. Infact if we were to date now, itd be how it is already, we'd hang out playvideogames, go to the movies, make fun of things lol, joke around, make family guy jokes hahah-but we would also have that intimate type of relationship like sex ofcourse XD, and all that holding hands and googoo ga ga crap couples do lol. All I ask in return, which isn't much is call once in awhile, see me once in a while and be open and honest with me. I mean he's told me some things in the past that he said he hasn't told another soul. He doesn't fully open up a lot, infact its rare when he really tells you how he's feeling. Not necessarily about you but in general. I had never seen him cry before but one night he did and I felt kind of helpless because I didn't know what to do/say. I just held him and let him vent. He's one of my closest friends and I enjoy his company, and he's said I'm one of his closest friends.
In the beginnin I had that shred of hope because when I would ask him why we made bets on videogames like if I won we'd date and if he won I had to eat a meat burger ewww >.< (which..I actually do owe him lol) he would say it was a loophole. So I would think he wanted to be with me but he didn't want to break his "no dating" rule. Like he was afraid to get into one with me. Then there was this weird conversation we had one day well, he was like if we had kids they would NOT be vegetarian then he laughed and gave me that evil grin he has and I said well I'd give them the choice and he was like hell no! And we went back and forth for a little but it was the little things he would say that made me wonder and hope. So when he dated someone that wasn't me I was like WTF?? It took me a while to realize certain things. I had gotten over him for awhile and I felt so fucking free. I felt like a weight has lifted. Even though he told me I could talk to him about anything, I felt like I could never talk to him about how I reallly felt. I would do this thing that I did with my father, my mind would go blank and I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I would get jumbled. Like I knew how I felt but I couldn't express it to him. After I got over him, I opened up a lot more. We actually like really joked around like I normally do. When I had those feelings for him I felt like I held back. And I remember the day I felt like I let loose. I was at his house one day and we played this card game for the wii and we had to watch this tutorial that was like 3 days long lol. We started cracking the fuck up. I mean we were like fuck we are developing ADD. It went on FOREVER. That night we just bugged out. And I loved it. But I'm afraid some of those feelings are coming back. But this time is different. I have what I went through to learn from. And even now, with these old feelings scratching the surface, I still feel that freedom to be myself fully. That's how I know this time is different. I mean, I'm still sorting my feelings out which is why I haven't told him anything yet because I want to make sure. I've always been sexually attracted to him. Its hard not to be. So I'm sorting out if its JUST that or if its something else. But I think its a combonation of the two. Still, I need to think and just sort lol. I guess its also because this time I'm not expecting anything. Or giving my hopes up for anything to happen. I can say for myself now is I'm not in denial. The blindfold I had on with those "old feelings" I'm going to call them, is gone. These "new feelings" are entirely different. *and* the other difference now is I have slept with other people XD. Before I only slept with him for like 2 years. I didn't see other guys. Like I'd think they were cute but I wouldn't pay any attention to them. Now its defferent. I mean I know who I want to be with, but I'm also not waiting. The keyword is waiting. I also started breaking away from that when I met my ex AJ. I believe everything happens for a reason. EVen the AJ fiasco. I believe aJ was a mistake, but I don't regret it because I learned from it. So think about the friends with benefits carefully, because it can be a huricane. So ill leave you to chew on this whoever reads my crappy blog lol.
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