Happy.

I always wanted to know what it felt like to be loved and truly appreciated. I always wanted to hold someone and have them be mine and only mine. I've loved but when its not reciprocated or when you have to share them with someone else its not rewarding. I've been in deep like with several people at once and it can be confusing and draining at times.

When Mark came into my life, I was very cautious and guarded. But over time, I learned to let him in and now we've been together for 3 months, 4 in may. He's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I now know how it feels to be wanted and appreciated and first choice. I was so tired of being a second choice. I'm truly thankful that he found me. I can't wait to see how much our relationship grows. This is new to me and I like it lol. I'm happy. Of course there are other things in my life I'm working on improving to be truly happy. But I can say for once in my life without a doubt, that I'm happy. I'm his gummie bear lol ;) I also must add he's the only man that's ever made me jizz in my pants lol. Only one other guy came remotely close but my babe succeeded :)

He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin...to a point. I still have my insecurities but he doesn't see it. That song by Beyonce flaws and all, I always loved that song but now that I'm with him I truly can relate to it. I feel like I've known him all my life and he loves me the way I am. I'm a caring, kind person I'm just glad I finally have someone who I can share that with :) Thank you babe. Thank you for making me feel worthy of having love in my life and thank you for making me number one.

4/15/09

Walk away.

Christina Aguilera- Walk away.


What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?
I was naive
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web
And I learned how to plead
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely
And it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away
I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smog
It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds (licking my wounds)
Woke up in love and seems so great (deeper, deeper)
We both can't subdue
Darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)
I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your lure
and I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...
I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away
Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered and this sky, it's never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over
Inside I'm screaming
Breaking, pleading the world
Ahh...
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each peep reminds me of you
It hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...
I'm about to break
I guess I missed it
I'm addicted to your lure
And I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...
I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I say...
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away
Only thing I need to do is walk away
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

-I've heard this song numerous times and its a good song but until last night, I never really thought or grasped what the song was really saying. Its funny how shit can really hit you at the only times.

12.9.08

COMMENT TO BE ADDED

Twilight the movie.

I got up this morning, on my day off to go see twilight. Now, I really liked the movie and I wouldn't mind seeing it again. Of course certain things were out of sequence or different but it still worked. And the scene where Edward and Bella kiss was hot lol. I enjoyed myself. I would have enjoyed myself more if I would have seen it with my sister or with my step sister or anybody who enjoys Twilight it would have been better. But I honestly have no complaints. And As far as choosing Robert pattinson as Edward, I think he did a very good job. They both did actually. And another note on Edward, although he did a good job and he had his hot moments, he doesn't compare to how Edward is supposed to really look. But again, I'm satisfied and I want to see it again soon ^_^ and SOMEBODY poked fun at me for liking it I will not name names :shifty eyes:

* written 11.23.08

Yesterday I went to Ell's house. He had his son there and he took him to the barber and he gave him a mowhawk lol. I played portal for a couple of hours I actually beat it despite Ell's taunts >.< lol. We played some time splitters and we played some wrestling. We watched american gladiator and we saw Monday night RAW. Then he showed me The Rock when he debuted lmao. He has a dvd set of The Rocks wrestling matches and He showed me a bunch of The Rocks taunts against diff people and it was fucking hilarious. He also has Stone Colds dvd collection thing too. We still haven't seen Zohan, I'm going to see if we can see it soon. Man I got home at 3 am. I was so tired. But I got up for work fine surprisingly.

My sister Keyla came down from California sunday so I'm spending the night with her and I'm going to spend tomorrow with her too. And she admitted to me that the main reason she came here was to see me.

Last night I had a dream about a demon. He was in human form and he looked normal but he was chasing me. It started out with us being in a house. I went from room to room trying to escape him and at one point I was trapped and I told myself damn I'm going to die. There was no way out then I saw another door I didn't see before, it was the type you see on storm cellars. I climbed the stairs and shut it quickly and locked it and all of a sudden I was outside. I was running towards a church. Jared leto was there lol, and apparantly I knew him because he knew what was going on. He grabbed my hand and we ran like hell. But the church wasn't a church inside. It was a hotel. There were these grand stairs and they led to another set of elevators apparantly, well logically there would be another set below us befor we got in but whatever, so these people all stop and stare at us because we came in like maniacs and we look hysterical, at least I was I was crying. I had to rest for a moment. After like 5 mins the doors opened all theatrically and the wind blew in (yeah, one of those), and he said my name and was looking for me. Jared pulled me towards the emergency exit and we started storming up those stairs. We knew he was following us because he had this sinister essence it was coming up the stairs and shit I mean he was a demon for fucks sake, anyway me and jared run into a room and we end up fucking and that was it XD I know I have a dirty mind ^_^.

There was even a True life segment on friends with benefits on Mtv that I saw and could relate too. This one girl and guy had a sexual relationship and she got attatched. She became jealous when he would flirt with other women, understandable. Also when he started considering dating another women oh I know how that feels to the TEE. You get all kinds of questions floating in your head like "why not me?" "am I not good enough? Attractive enough?" etc. She was a mess and I became emotional watching that because it hit so close to home. Its hard watching the person you have feelings for and had a sexual relationship with have another women who they invest their feelings on instead of you. It hurts. It doesn't help your self esteem either.

In my case he had certain rules he lived by. He broke two that I know of for me, the no virginity rule (I lost it to him which much to my dismay made it worse) and the other was he never brought anyone to his house that he had that sexual relationship with, if it wasn't someone he was dating. He told me that early on. So, when he brought me home and we started hanging out it was a big thing lol. Another rule was the no dating rule which for him was actually the biggest rule he had, especially for his lifestyle (well how it used to be). So for him to break it over someone he like JUST met was a low blow. Besides that were things we would do in between which didn't help such as certain bets we would have that didn't go so well for me was no help. I won't get into it. But I had told him numerous times that to have his heart and that aspect was more important to me than anything and to have him choose someone else was devistating. He doesn't give his heart too freely either.

The thing about me is, I'm not high maintenance..at all. I don't ask for anything and I don't nag and bitch. I play videogames and I have a very big sense of humor. Infact if we were to date now, itd be how it is already, we'd hang out playvideogames, go to the movies, make fun of things lol, joke around, make family guy jokes hahah-but we would also have that intimate type of relationship like sex ofcourse XD, and all that holding hands and googoo ga ga crap couples do lol. All I ask in return, which isn't much is call once in awhile, see me once in a while and be open and honest with me. I mean he's told me some things in the past that he said he hasn't told another soul. He doesn't fully open up a lot, infact its rare when he really tells you how he's feeling. Not necessarily about you but in general. I had never seen him cry before but one night he did and I felt kind of helpless because I didn't know what to do/say. I just held him and let him vent. He's one of my closest friends and I enjoy his company, and he's said I'm one of his closest friends.

In the beginnin I had that shred of hope because when I would ask him why we made bets on videogames like if I won we'd date and if he won I had to eat a meat burger ewww >.< (which..I actually do owe him lol) he would say it was a loophole. So I would think he wanted to be with me but he didn't want to break his "no dating" rule. Like he was afraid to get into one with me. Then there was this weird conversation we had one day well, he was like if we had kids they would NOT be vegetarian then he laughed and gave me that evil grin he has and I said well I'd give them the choice and he was like hell no! And we went back and forth for a little but it was the little things he would say that made me wonder and hope. So when he dated someone that wasn't me I was like WTF?? It took me a while to realize certain things. I had gotten over him for awhile and I felt so fucking free. I felt like a weight has lifted. Even though he told me I could talk to him about anything, I felt like I could never talk to him about how I reallly felt. I would do this thing that I did with my father, my mind would go blank and I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I would get jumbled. Like I knew how I felt but I couldn't express it to him. After I got over him, I opened up a lot more. We actually like really joked around like I normally do. When I had those feelings for him I felt like I held back. And I remember the day I felt like I let loose. I was at his house one day and we played this card game for the wii and we had to watch this tutorial that was like 3 days long lol. We started cracking the fuck up. I mean we were like fuck we are developing ADD. It went on FOREVER. That night we just bugged out. And I loved it. But I'm afraid some of those feelings are coming back. But this time is different. I have what I went through to learn from. And even now, with these old feelings scratching the surface, I still feel that freedom to be myself fully. That's how I know this time is different. I mean, I'm still sorting my feelings out which is why I haven't told him anything yet because I want to make sure. I've always been sexually attracted to him. Its hard not to be. So I'm sorting out if its JUST that or if its something else. But I think its a combonation of the two. Still, I need to think and just sort lol. I guess its also because this time I'm not expecting anything. Or giving my hopes up for anything to happen. I can say for myself now is I'm not in denial. The blindfold I had on with those "old feelings" I'm going to call them, is gone. These "new feelings" are entirely different. *and* the other difference now is I have slept with other people XD. Before I only slept with him for like 2 years. I didn't see other guys. Like I'd think they were cute but I wouldn't pay any attention to them. Now its defferent. I mean I know who I want to be with, but I'm also not waiting. The keyword is waiting. I also started breaking away from that when I met my ex AJ. I believe everything happens for a reason. EVen the AJ fiasco. I believe aJ was a mistake, but I don't regret it because I learned from it. So think about the friends with benefits carefully, because it can be a huricane. So ill leave you to chew on this whoever reads my crappy blog lol.

I know all too well about this. It's not for the faint of heart that's for fuckin' sure. There are pros and cons to this. I don't know what is even possessing me to write this. I just feel inspired to. Especially since I've dealt with it for a couple of years already. So without further ado, here's the pros:
*It's good if you just want sex with someone with no strings attached.
*If you want to just hang out with them play videogames, watch movies, go to the movies etc- without commitment involved. You feel a bit frisky, and bam you can fuck, no consequences.
*It is freedom. One of the beauties of being single, is you can fuck who ever, whenever and not worry about shit. Cum and go as you please, pun intended. And again, you have no commitment to the friend in question, so there is no guilt.
*No drama. If you both agree and both actually feel the SAME, you don't have to deal with the where have you been, who were you with scenario. No nagging.
Now, this will only work if BOTH parties feel the same.


There is risk of attatchment, and it can end up being a very, verrry painful experience. Believe me, I know. So this leads me to the cons:
*It's when the Line begins to blur that a problem ensues. Ofcourse naturally when friends have a sexual relationship, a line is already crossed. But there are times when party A starts to have emotional feelings for party B. That is a big fucking train wreck.
*one person wants to become more than friends and strings are attatched, while the other wants to continue being single and wants no relationship. (There's nothing worse than falling for someone who doesn't fall back.)
*Jealousy. Oh yes. Especially in this case it rears its ugly head. And it is nasty. Person A becomes suspicous of every girl/boy that person B comes in contact with. Questions arise such as "will they fuck them too?" "would they want a relationship with them instead?". And all other kinds of things.
*Resentment can form and person A becomes bitter, frustrated that Person B doesn't feel the same.
*It can also be a disaster if not all conditions are clear. What I mean is, if the people involved don't communicate the terms of their relationship. I'm trying to explain this the best way I can. I can use myself as an example, in my case, it just happened. We didn't discuss anything. Just poof. Then again, we were never STRICTLY friends from the fucking beginning. And some people don't understand that if its not said from the get go, it can be confusing. Expecially if you ALREADY had feelings for the person. I don't recommend getting into a sexual relationship with a friend if feelings are involved because you go in with strings already attatched. In turn leaving you with a broken heart. People say oh well we are just friends. But again, once sex is involved or any type of sexual activity that line is crossed and it becomes something else. It becomes more intimate, obviously.

Besides the fact that it's one of Rosanna and my favorite movie, I had a goonie dream! We were in some remote place and just like the water slide in the movie, we were shooting down it. Me and corey feldman were waiting for everyone at the bottom and one of the other weird things was we jumped to a house where some people were summoning demons...yyyeeeaahhh. I just remember saying fuck this I aint gonna be in the same house as a demon! And I was out. Then I was in my middle school classroom...fuckin weird.

Nine inch nails- The new flesh

I can take it
Sideways
Sometimes
Some things
Feel like
I'm on the other side
Waves
Of every feeling ever felt

Hold it close
(So) I can taste it

I've watched this scene a thousand times
And in my head
This is how it all begins
Yes, I am becoming
And this is how it all begins
What did you expect?
This is not an exit
This has begun

I can almost see
The blackest eyes
The new flesh
A new disguise
...Welcoming...

Please

Give it to me
I can take it
Give it to me

I can take it

I fuckin hate this holiday. Why? Because every year I've been alone. Any "relationship" I had was in the end of the year. Yeah I think this holiday is gay, but at the same time it would be nice to get something from someone other than my daddy. Bonny, my friend and manager got me and my coworker Erika a rose and a balloon which I thought was nice and it made me feel a little better. I walk around just like I used to in highschool and see all these chics with balloons and roses and blah blah blah. About two years ago Elliot had gotten me a big dog teddy bear thing. Yeahhhhh. Maybe its partly because I want to in a way feel acknowledged? Thought about maybe? I don't knw and at this point don't give a fuck. I did go see Sam and David for a bit ^_^ we watched a movie called The brave one with Jodie foster. It was good.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would have grown up in California, in no where'sville. My mothers half of the family lives in the northern half of Cali where there is nothing to do and most of the people have tight asses much like their minds. Sad to say there are a couple of family members who are like that. Some family memebers, I don't like and would like to punch in the face. ^_^. Rosanna and I spoke about this one day actually. We wouldn't have turned out the way we did if we didn't grow up with such diversity in the bronx. Along with that, I wouldn't be who I was today had I not gone through or met the people I have. :nods:

Ok so I went to a group job interview at victorias secret and I think it went pretty well. I answered as many questions as I could and he gave me a couple of good nods. He said that he would contact everyone in 7 to 10 days. I know Will, Manny and Kris said I have it in the bag but ahhhhh. Worst case scenario I don't get it, and I look for another job. But everyone, and so should I, thinks I already got it ^_^. I also start school today. I'll speak about that later.

On another note, one of my friends from highschool who I haven't spoken to or seen in a couple of years called me the ther night. It was nice to catch up a bit. Looks like he hadn't had a vey good year last year either. I should be seeing him some time this weekend.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH VICTORIAS SECRET ON WED!!!!!!!!!!! XD

The South of FRance

Yes. That is the name of the bar I went to Thursday night with my friend tommy. I met a bunch of cool people. I had a good time. :)

Here's a link to the pictures since im so lazy i dont want to upload them :):

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=5056813&albumId=1270556

Well. I no longer work at subway anymore. I was let go. Here's why:

He said i was giving sandwiches away. I never gave any sandwiches away. I did, however give a huge discount to this guy that works in dunkin donuts two stores down. The manager at dunkin now used to work for Harry at Subway. He's been wanting me to work there forever. So, until i find a better job, i will work at dunkin- which I'm not sure is even guranteed. Oh and btw, i believe the dudes i worked with snitched me out because Harry wouldn't have known he would come in. *and* he never came in everyday. He came in maybe twice a month. so it wasnt a habitual, daily routine. i think it was also because i wouldnt fuck him. but anyway, i saw sam, the dude that worked at dunkin which i gave the discount to, and told me to call bonnie, the manager at dunkin. sooooo, bonnies gonna give me a call and all that jazz and let me know whats up. yes. my search for another, better job still continues. wish me luck. Peace.

So. I checked my grades yesterday. Lets just say that I only did good in playwrighting. A B-. I fucked up this semester royaly. I will do better next semester. I will not let all the bullshit get to me so much that I just give up. I won't let anyone get inside my head so much that I neglect school. I will learn from this. I will be strong.

So christmas was good. I watched my HIM video collection dvd and my sister got me the Nirvana unplugged dvd. My sister also got me a HIM hat and purse. I spoke with Tyson he's good. He's going to get his phone fixed soon. My dad and emily got me a new pair of sneakers and they got me a gift cirtificate to strawberry and a watch set that came with a pen a ipod radio and some other thing. I spent most of it with my mom. I went home and took a nice long shower and just chatted with people and talked with Zena. We saw some funny videos on youtube and we saw som clips from troy and shit. I went to bed at 2. Cool.
pics soon

So far, I've had a pretty relaxing day. It's been awhile since I felt really..I guess at peace. I watched my Love Metal HIM dvd music video collection today and I opened 1 present early, a tradition. My sister had gotten me the Nirvana Unplugged DVD that I've been wanting forever so, I watched that as well. I was talking to my friend Mike this morning and I told him I felt..frisky lol. I felt ugh just good because Last night I realized that it doesn't do to dwell on people that have done you wrong or passed insidences. Sure, It hurts. But you live you learn. I will eventually find someone who really cares about me and won't take me for granted. He will love me for me and he won't play any fucking games. :nods:

I had this dream last night with someone I used to like for like 3 years in middle school. We were at the movies and I remember telling him how I always sat in the middle seat. He started laughing and put his hands up in surrender and said "alright, alright." It was weird. And I find it weird that from time to time I still think about him and wonder what he's up to ?? hmm.